I was on the phone to my sister one day in late January 2025. We were talking about stuff we normally talk about at least 4 or 5 times a week. I had been speaking with San every day for the past 15 to 20 years, give or take a day or two. We had always been close, and our relationship was a typical older brother, younger sister great relationship.

 

No matter where I lived in Australia or what country I was in, we always kept in touch. I always wanted to share what I was doing with my sister. I often thought it added to her life to hear where I was and what I was doing. I always sent her postcards of the countries and Aussie towns I was in and regularly brought something home for her from those places I knew she liked or wanted to visit – I think she really enjoyed those things, and it made her life fuller.

 

We’d chat about all sorts of things, though it was usually me doing most of the talking while San listened, as was our habit. Our conversations tended to be about 80% me and 20% San. I was almost always the one to call—probably 95% of the time.

 

We talked about all sorts of things, but our favourites were always music, old TV shows and Monty Python and reflecting on how eccentric and weird our family had become. More recently, our conversations often turned to how much San missed our mum, who had passed away two years earlier—San was still finding it difficult to come to terms with the loss.

 

During our conversation that day, San asked me to hold on while she stepped away from the phone, mentioning she’d been bitten or scratched by something. When San returned, I asked what had happened, and she simply said that something had bitten or stung her on her left ankle. Neither of us could have known then that this incident would set off a chain of events leading to her passing nine months later, in room 72 on level 7 of the new Royal Adelaide Hospital, I had watched being built.

 

I spoke with San two days after she’d been stung or bitten, and her ankle was troubling her. She told me that if it was still painful the next day, she would go to the hospital. I told her then to keep me in the loop, and she told me she would.

 

The next day she messaged me saying she was going up to the hospital. Later that day she called me to let me know the doctors were looking at her ankle and she would be staying in overnight for observation and to give them time to ascertain what the issue was. At that time the considerations were a possible insect bite or even a scratch from a cat infecting her blood, but nothing was certain. San was in a lot of pain at the time of that phone call – you could hear it in her voice.

 

As I recall, San was in the local hospital for another day and night and was sent home. San was only home just over a day before she was called back to the hospital, from memory on Thursday the 30th of January where she was informed, she might be flying to Adelaide the next day on or about the 31st of January.

 

San was eventually flown to RAH on the 2nd of February 2025. I met her in her room later that afternoon. Little was I to know this was the first of my approximately 95 visits to 11 different rooms in my sisters 9 month stay in hospital. The one good thing about paying for car parking was the records it keeps - the bad thing obviously is the cost.

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During the 9 months San was in the RAH we developed a system in which I could take her different food to try as part of the issue she had during her long stay there was the ability to swallow, issues with her taste buds, loss of taste and the issue in chewing. This adding to the lack of suitable food for her to eat in the hospital, we tried everything with me delivering to her every second day for about 6 months.  We created home shopping delivery, online shopping delivery and local shopping for glasses for her to help her read and then the process of fixing all of her electronic devices with weeks and weeks speaking with Optus and Apple due to her memory loss and her passwords – all sorted in the end.

 

San had two stints in ICU whilst she was at the RAH. Both were bad but due to her weakened condition the second visit to ICU was the most serious with me having to give permission for them to operate on her one night at 1am in the morning, There was only a 30% success rate for that operation, so it was the second time I headed up to the hospital to say good bye or possible goodbye to my sister. Waiting in the same city your sister is in and is alive knowing that the next call might say she is no longer alive is not a good feeling.

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I had always informed both Ethan and Dad of incidents and issues like this. It got to the point Dad hated me calling, because usually it meant something not good about his daughter.

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San’s operation was successful and the very next day visiting her in ICU, barely conscious was one of the moments I won’t forget. San asked me if she was dying and as she did her hand reached for mine. The nurse, standing to my left said “she wants to hold your hand” as San motioned to connect in case she was leaving us. The words of that Nurse have stayed with me, and I weep as I write this tonight thinking of that moment that I was about to support my sister, who I had known all her life as she passed away – I was there for her and that I am truly thankful for.

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Both times after her operations and her first few days in ICU she was not going to make it – but she recovered each time – it was accumulating however and her ability to continue to fight was becoming visibly harder. San had issues with her eyes particular her left eye and now fights with malnutrition due to the lack of a valued food source.

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In August as San was on her way to recovery, we cut back the visits to every 3rd day. Part of Sans recovery was more sleep and becoming less irritable so less visits was a better idea. Heading up every 3rd day actually gave me a better idea of her health, and I noticed her weight was now becoming an issue – she was losing weight and doing less physiotherapy for her now very weakened legs.

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Sans issues due to her ICU visits and partly due to the original poisoning in her blood resulted in her bowel removal and her kidneys had failed so from that moment on San was on dialysis and had limited movement and freedom. We were advised she could have a normal life if she could strengthen her legs (weak from the original operation and now not being used for months) and complete her physio requirements and then connect with the local dialysis unit back home in Broken Hill. As my sisters next of kin I was called to a meeting with San and three doctors all mapping out the future for her - all seemed to be going in the right direction albeit at a snails pace. That was the plan up until Saturday night the 25th of October 2025

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At 2305 on Saturday night, the 26th of October 2025 I received a call from a ‘No Caller ID’. It was the RAH informing me that San was having issues with her blood pressure and she may die tonight. I had seen San on Tuesday and she was fine. I was due to see her on Friday but had a small medical issue of my own so I messaged her – I didn’t hear back so the plan was to see her on Sunday. I immediately called Ethan to let him know he needs to get to Adelaide ASAP.

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I spent a few hours with San as she was in and out of consciousness. I left the hospital but was back up there again the very next morning, where the Senior Doctors spoke with me and San. They informed her that there was nothing that could now be done but they would make her comfortable. I was called outside as Sans next of kin to inform me they would try a new injection in 4 hours but in their opinion, she had 24 hours to live. Sandra seemed to understand what she was being told but had no reaction to it at this stage. My sister was extremely stoic. 

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I called Sans other brothers and her sister, but none would take my phone calls. The chance to speak to their sister before she passed was now gone. i call my Dad to keep him up to date. 

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Whilst the hospital conducted their final assistance for San I left and waited for Ethan’s arrival. Ethan arrived and we both chatted and spoke between the three of us. Sandra asked me whilst Ethan had gone to get some drinks, what did I think she should do. I knew there was nothing she could do but I didn’t want to tell her that – if all she had was hope and our love, I wasn’t going to take the hope away. I outlined possible options of her lifestyle from this point forward and the option of letting her body do its thing naturally… she seemed at rest with both options.

 

I left Ethan with his Mum that night and informed Dad of what was happening again.

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The very next morning at 0712 on Monday the 27th of October 2025 I received another call from the hospital saying San was in her final hours. I rushed to the hospital as did Ethan, who had been with his Mum most of the night to find San was now in a much worse state.  The issue was of course, due to her very low blood pressure, she hadn’t had her dialysis since the Tuesday before – far too long for her body to exist without it. Without her dialysis she was unable to continue and from about 3am that morning to now she was quite non-responsive, a change from the night before only 5 or 6 hours earlier.

 

Ethan and I stayed with San until she passed away peacefully at approximately 1037 on the 27th of October 2025 at the age of 57 some 44 days short of her 58th birthday on December 11. I touched my sister’s forehead and whispered to her “say hello to mum for me”. We then stayed with San until the Doctor arrived to conduct his final examinations.

 

I contacted Dad to let him know his daughter had finally gone.

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I attempted to call both of my brothers and my other sister again, but they wouldn’t take my calls.

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I then started calling Sans friends to let them know before social media knew.

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My beautiful partner Kaye was my greatest support during this time. Thank you, hon, because without you being here this would have been a very lonely thing to do over such a long period of time. Your love means the world.

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I’m glad I was able to update my Dad over the 9 months, so he knew how his daughter was doing, they were close too and I am glad I could do that for him.

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I have been around a lot of death from my time in the Army and security and since then with ex-army suicides etc but seeing the decline of a family member over a 9-month period is not pleasant – especially one you saw come into the world and now leave the same world. 

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The little things are also interesting with how our medical system works and, in some cases, does not work. The relationships you create being a relative of someone who is a patient. The amount of money spent just on car parking was well over $1000 I  think needs to be addressed for family members. The feeling of emptiness that the RAH leaves being it was part of your life for so long.

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I miss my sister every single day. She wasn’t awarded the opportunity to live a longer life – she truly deserved so much more. I I made promises to her I will keep forever.

 

Addendum

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Since then, however, things have taken a turn for the worse between Sans family and Ethan (her son). San and I had discussed if Ethan would be able to cope with the things that needed to be done once she was gone and we both believed at the time he should be able to carefully make his way through the organisational process as long as he didn’t take too much advice from his father – we could not have been more wrong.

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I remember asking my sister on a number of occasions, when I arrived up in her room, had she heard from Ethan, and on most occasions, if not nearly all, it was a “no”. The excuse Sandra gave, as his mum, was he is busy with work and/or he doesn’t check his phone, as he is probably asleep. I often said to her that that is fair enough, but two or three days of not hearing from someone is unusual after a message was sent.

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So, after San’s passing, I contacted Ethan the day after, and the day after that, to see how he was. During one of those chats we spoke about a small service out at the Mundi Mundi lookout. Ethan always came across as polite and respectful to me. Ethan and I both agreed this is what San had spoken about before, and I had spoken to San about it during her time in hospital and she didn’t really care. It was determined after a day or so that November 29th was the date Ethan wanted to have the service. I had 7 people I had been speaking to during San’s stay in hospital. These people plus two more all wanted to be there for San to say goodbye and sadly due to Ethan’s inability to organise anything, all of these people did not get to attend her service. Making matters worse, Ethan simply didn’t wish to know anything about those who I had been speaking with over that time. He seemed heavily influenced by people in his ear, to the point he changed the date from the 29th of November to the 13th of December simply because, as he told me, one of Sandra’s friends turned up to his work and suggested other friends couldn’t make it to the date set for late November. I even mentioned to one of San’s friends on the phone to please stay out of it, giving her a number of reasons why, and yet she still decided that her need to be there was more important than San’s family.

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The change of date was difficult for me with my work, Kaye’s work, and the distance, but I agreed to it of course.

 

My father was not happy that Sandra’s friends had been placed in front of her family, especially since a lot of those friends Sandra hadn’t heard from in months, and in fact years.  Dad mentioned to me then that he wasnt happy but would still go, and  Peter (my other brother) would now probably not go. I was, however, still going.

 

Ethan mentioned to me that he was going to drive to Adelaide with his father, who my sister hated, to collect Sandra’s ashes. I offered my service to collect her and bring her home for two reasons. Firstly, it would save Ethan a trip and secondly Sandra would not want Ethan’s father anywhere near her or her ashes. It was agreed I would collect her and Ethan was grateful. Ethan mentioned he would have to organise a handwritten letter to the funeral directors to enable me to collect her ashes and he would do that this weekend.

 

From that moment on, we didn’t hear from Ethan for two weeks. No updates, no confirmation on the dates, no times on the day, or even if his letter had been sent. So, on Wednesday that week (December 10th), I Googled the funeral directors and called them about me collecting my sister’s ashes the following day. They knew nothing about it, had not heard from Ethan, and knew nothing about me.

 

Now being the day before we had to leave, we knew we could not collect anything tomorrow, and therefore the time off we had organised, and the clients I had changed around was, for the second time, pointless. We changed what we could back, and Kaye went off to work.

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Then about 9am on Thursday (the next day), out of the blue I got a message from Ethan saying I can collect my sister’s ashes today. I said I could, but what date was he now thinking of the service. He told me unless something had happened, it would still be the 13th – in two days. I mentioned that Kaye was at work, and I had to now again tell clients we had to change back.

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That was the last I heard from Ethan. Again (which was usually the case with him) he did not return my last message letting me know what he wanted to do.

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Then about 20 minutes later, I got a message from Dad in Broken Hill saying, out of the blue, he got a message from Ethan saying that he was driving to Adelaide to get San’s ashes. Neither Dad nor I understood why Ethan was telling Dad. It was now becoming messy but weird, and we could see, or only assume, Ethan was taking notes and suggestions from other people, and it was showing.

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So, I tried calling Ethan around 10am with no luck. I tried again in the afternoon around 5pm with no luck. I waited 8 hours thinking that was enough time to get to Adelaide and called again – with no luck. I then messaged Ethan and asked what was happening, as I had been on my way to collect my sister’s ashes when Dad let me know Ethan was coming to do it. I called the funeral directors, and they confirmed Ethan had made an appointment tomorrow (Friday) to do just that.

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So now I was going to do as we had agreed. I was in the process of doing what I told him I would do and had no contact with him since. In fact, he was apparently on his way to do it all himself. This guy didn’t have a clue.

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I finally received a message from Ethan just after 7pm saying his phone was dying but he thought it would be easier if he drove 500 kms to collect his mum’s ashes. How is that easier?

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I called Ethan three separate times that night with no answer. I tried the next day to message him with no answer, making me realise and confirm the phone dying the night before was simply not true.

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Ethan had completely ignored his mum’s wishes. He had deserted the only thing she wanted after she had passed, and that was her family was to be there… her brother, who she was so very close to, could now not make it, and her father would not go if I wasn’t going. In fact, no one I know even knew what time it was supposed to be on. There was no care that I was on my way to collect San’s ashes that morning. There was no care or thought to Kaye’s work and time off for bereavement, or my work and my clients. What we needed from someone I had supported during his mum’s time in hospital obviously didn’t count and telling me what he was doing didn’t count either.

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The 6 girls I had been speaking with were now not going, and the other female friends who wanted to go now didn’t have the time to fly from WA to attend.

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This was a mess and typical of an inability to organise anything independently. Listening to too many people creates the confusion. Ethan is now a Smith and family members on our side no longer see him as family, most never did but I did, but he gave up that right when he ignored my sister’s wishes as soon as she had passed. Ethan once told his mum that he thought Steven would be there for him is he ever needed help and up until this occurred, that was true – but it no longer is. It’s a sad state of affairs when her brother did more of what she wanted than her own son.

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I spent 9 months with San – three times a week for 9 months. We discussed everything.

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I was my sister’s protector for over 55 years. From the times waiting for her in the dark as kids because our mum told me to walk her out to the toilet in the dark, to more recent times with assistance and help with everyday occurrences and issues, I went into bat for her and helped her regularly and even flew her to Perth to see her life long dream of attending a Psychedelic

Furs concert. She loved Richard Butler.

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I am no longer her protector but her advocate.

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I often spoke with my sister about her struggles in supporting a full-grown man in her home. I often despaired at the lack of care and attention she received from her son whilst she was in hospital in Adelaide. My concerns have been well and truly founded. Over nine months we discussed everything she wanted to do in order to get better and get home, and everything she wanted done if she didn’t make it – I wasn’t asked once by Ethan if I knew anything he didn’t know, or if I had any input into anything to do with his mum’s service.

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We had been told that David Bearman and Ethan’s father were going to go out to Mundi Mundi to support Ethan, and I told Ethan that would not be happening. Why would someone like Fred Smith want to go out to Sandra’s memorial service after what he put her through for years. Sandra hated Ethan’s father Fred Smith. She couldn’t stand him and she was forever embarrassed that she was ever in a relationship with someone like him – it was a source of embarrassment her entire life and she thought David Bearman was “salt”, in everything, and he made her skin crawl she said. Who are these people? Apparently, David Bearman was told Ethan wasn’t being supported by Sandra’s family so can you imagine the stuff these people are feeding Ethan when he should be grieving the passing of his mother? I literally live in Adelaide, one suburb away from the RAH and had been seeing her 3 or 4 times a week for nearly 10 months and phoned Ethan with updates every single time he needed one. i gladly spent thousands of dollars supporting my sister. Who are these people?

 

Sandra loved her son Ethan. She would, however, be disgusted and embarrassed in what has occurred to her brother and father, who she loved dearly, and disappointed that some of her closest friends never got a chance to say goodbye to her. Ethan simply could have put her loved ones first and either organised this properly or changed the date – he did neither.

 

San didn’t want a funeral service or even a service. Our family has discussed that we might organise a real family service for her family and friends so everyone who wanted to can attend. Could you imagine that we create such a service and do not invite her only son? How would that feel to him? Well, that’s what he did to her family, and he did so under the influence of people who had nothing to do with our family—people Sandra despised.

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On a personal note I am surprised and dismayed at those people who called themselves Sans friends after I went out of my way to keep them in the loop and yet they seem to have forgotten all of that. I even sent some of her supposed friends photos of my sister I had..... never heard from them again because they made this about them. There is a reason my sister didn't wish to take their calls whilst she was in hospital - its a disgrace they put themselves in front of my sisters wishes. Some of these so called friends saw my sister once or twice every year or so and yet they thought they had Sandras best interests at heart more than I did - her closest relative - an amazing experience to witness the self importance of these people not knowing what my sister really thought about them. You learn with these kind of things that no matter how much you help someone or prove your worth as soon as they are told something different they believe it... its a weakness on their behalf no matter how much you have proved different. I am glad they are not my friends especially after the help and friendship my sister gave some of them over a long period of time.

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I wonder if the two things my sister wanted done at her Ashes scattering service were even done. Her last and final wishes ignored. I knew my sister for 57 years and she was a beautiful person – I was with her until the end and so was her son because I allowed him to be there and called him to let him know. 

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